Monday, March 27, 2006


old enough to know better but to young to care :)
After having had surpassed 18 grueling yet amazing years of my life, I have come to discover the feeling of ecstasy that not even I could afford to grasp.

You'd think one could only get this from those little pills that induce sensations of bliss and perfection - temporary madness is what Id like to call it. But that degree of happiness is only a small drop to the sea of the real thing. If only we took time to feel beyond those hours of merrymaking and take in the euphoria that reality has to offer, then that would be the only time we'd actually feel like we deserve it.

I admit to having exercised my lacrimal glands again last night, before the clock even struck 12, and just this morning, a few minutes after waking up. Just when I was starting to like the philanthropic, panic-stricken, schmaltzy, easily-swayed, heart-driven stargazer, that is me, fate decides to display its power over my fragility and wrestles my emotions. That is the exact same reason why I have always dreamed even if my eyes werent closed - for fear of not catching that star that passes me by at night after having looked up for the longest time.

You see, my life is atypically typical. I find myself crawling beneath the misty haze this crazy world has covered my path. Compared to others, my haze does not consist of minute drops of girly catfights and backstabbing, late-night drunkenness or drug abuse, teenage drama worthy of soap opera airtime, or even parental disembodiment - only verifiable existence of friends who stick with you even after you do something stupid, a family who defies norms by going beyond what the rule book says without breaking any of them, and authentic experience of heartbreak, disappointment, confusion, melancholy, satisfaction, foolishness, and yes, some of that temporary madness.

My closest friends know how I still secretly believe in stories that begin in "Once upon a time...". We all do, knowing that we dwell upon the birth of the beautiful things we wish our life to be. But we too all know that not every story ends with a "...and they lived happily ever after" coz in fact, many of us just tend to live. Not happily.

But today, having tasted the feeling of ecstasy compelled me to live more years in order for myself to deserve it.

I may not have contributed to society as far as my abilities are concerned, but I try my best to offer what I have to give. I stay up till the wee hours of the morning trying to comfort a friend with problems. I laugh at every joke I hear and smile at every exaltation. I share answers in Math, Science, Filipino and sometimes, even in Love 101. I muse on how I can eliminate poverty without having to sell everyone else's livers. I act on my spirituality and try to rub off some faith on others. I share my thoughts online hoping that I can stimulate the mind or emotions of readers with my writing without having crazy web lunatic stalk me. I refuse to indulge in the high ground of adolesence like what other people my age have the luxury of just because I try to be a perfect example to my brothers. I sing and dance when I want to even when others laugh. I listen to the kilig kwentos of my friends while beaming sincere pride and happiness for them.
I try to right some wrongs and make ends meet. I try to show wisdom despite feeling brainless and sabaw. I try to display courage in times of frailty. I try to pass on happiness even at my own expense. And I try to show love and be loved.

That was all I had to offer with hope that they touched another human being still at hand.

I have always been stumped by the questions "What's up?" and "Musta na?" coz in fact, I always end up now knowing what answer to give. I dont find it right to tell people Im okay, not because I am not, but because I find such queries worthy of more meaningful thought. My usual answer "Im good" may perhaps never do justice. But thats exactly how I am now. Not great, not bad, but good.


Great players have carried on their roles in my life in a manner I cant even behold. My parents who, despite our lack of PDAing and intimate moments, shower me with blessings and love that not too many receive. My old friends who seemed to have went beyond their past impressions of me and opened their arms to who I really am. New friends who made my high school life all the more exciting - exactly what it had to be. My boyfriends who up until now are hiding from me and posing as non-existent Supermans who shall save me one day. My best friends with whom I laughed with and cried with without hesitating for a minute. And there's also Him and me who have struggled in believing in one another yet managed to hold on.

Some of you I know by sight and heart alone. Some Ive shared my highest and lowest moments with. Some Ive fallen secretly yet madly in love with. Some lent me an ear and offered a hand. Some I bared my soul to. Some I envied. Some I admired. Most I highly valued. Most I believed in. But I have loved each and every one. I still do. You guys know who you are. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I will repay you with Chocnut or a kiss one day. If you need saving, Ill try my best to heed your call. :)

Before I turned eighteen, I learned that I could not please everyone no matter how hard I try. I learned that its okay to get hurt and cry. I learned that its never too late to change. I learned that its easier to be a coward than be brave. I learned that it takes practice to hold on to something and more practice to let it go when you have to. I learned that it takes courage to fall in love, and even more to admit you have. I learned that making mistakes is inevitable and learning from them is vital. I learned that if you work hard for something, you get what you deserve and you deserve what you get. I learned that my life deserves to be lived extraordinarily within bounds of my existence.

We are such in a hurry to grow up, fall in love, even die. We don't seem to have the same urgency to know, believe and thrive. And doing so could save so many lives and loves.

So today as I turn eighteen, nothing much shall change. Turning a year older and entering womanhood has its fines and perks, so wish me luck as I try to juggle them in the air.

Thank you so much for all the greetings! :)
A happy birthday to me indeed! :)
- n|x - was loved at 6:49 AM
[link to post] [3 smiles for me :)]
~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


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