Sunday, September 04, 2005
Everything's too perfect that is scares me.
Just like what Danielle said in her site (yep she has one again! :D):
"and you know how they say that if you're too happy today, the next day'll be sad? that happened to my friend/busmate before. it happened to my otherfriend, too. it happened to me. what's the use of being happy today if tomorrow i'll be sad?"
its scary how the once-empty glass has turned into a jar full of candies with every flavor you can imagine, just like that. Its scares me how I got to the top floor without even realizing how far Ive gone. It scares me how my every prayer was answered...how everything's turned right...how everything's just so perfect...coz now, I know that Ive really got something to lose.
"Its only a matter of time before you lose what you've won."
Wuah.
I know it cant go on forever, but all Im asking is for my forever to last longer.
Even for just a while.
------------------------------
As scheduled, we headed to Ateneo yesterday to participate in their Math Society's annual Sipnayan (that's "Math" in Filipino). There were 150+ teams, if Im not mistaken, from a number of different schools. The three teams from Zobel included 6 Seniors and 3 Juniors, and well, we were definitely NOT prepared for the contest. Heck, we didnt even take the whole thing seriously (Im not bragging, its actually embarassing, coz we were really unprepared, haha). While all the other teams were studying, reading, computing, calculating...we were talking about the vandalisms on the tables, the Ateneo education as compared to La Salle's, Nicholas Sparks, our high school teachers, and food. Galing no? Ahehe.
thats me, Jana, Lav, Lorenzo, Rocky, Bea, Steven, Julian, and Ronald :P
Out of the 150+ teams, only 24 were to advance to the next round. (Wow. That ratio sucks. Haha). We had to take this 30-item (or more I think) test for two hours, and MY GASH, that was the most DUMB-ING test Ive ever taken in my entire life! Nakakabobo! Sabaw! Lol. There were the Easy, the Average, the Difficult, and the CRAZY questions. And well, they all looked CRAZY to me. Haha. I had a total of ONE sure answer. :)) And it was only worth 2 or 5 points I think. Grr. And well, in order to andvance to the next round, our team's average had to be at par with the top 23 teams. And unfortunately (this will turn to "fortunately" actually), none of the 3 teams from our school got in. All three teams from Ateneo (madaya, they hosted the contest, tapos kasali rin sila), from the Chinese schools and the Science high schools got in.
Bwahahahahah.
Sorry Zobel, we failed you. :P
None of us expected to get in anyway. We all found the test insane (even if I were given a week to answer that test, I still wouldnt be able to get them right). We were all unprepared. We were all lax from the start. Nakakahiya lang for our teachers-slash-trainors whom I think expected much more from us. 2 teams in the GS got in, so maybe they set the bar higher for us. That was my only concern actually. Sorry po. :o
I wont speak evil (aka criticize) towards my alma mater. But its still undeniable how our system is flawed. I just wish that theyd prove me wrong.
Anyway, at least we still had fun in Ateneo. Their campus is so nice as compared to Taft's. It made me consider studying there actually. But before I actually give that thought some attention, I better pass the ACET first that's due in 2 weeks.
MUST STUDY.
haha.
Oh, and guys, study Conic Sections, Summation, Sequences & Series, Statistics, and Geometry.
We'll need it. :O
a shot of Katipunan from an overpass
(how did we get there? well, we walked to Kenny Rogers using "Lorenzo's shortcut" Jana and I even "sunk" in mud going there. Haha. Oh, and we even saw Franz Pumaren pass by. He went inside Seattles and Jana and Lorenzo got to "accidentally hear" what he was saying about his games and stuff. Ahehe.)
--------------------------------
Since we got to go home early (actually, gusto namin talaga umuwi ng maaga. haha. I woke up at 4 that morning, so I was really looking forward to leaving ADMU early, lol), we went to Town instead.
Wala kaming magawa, so nagpaneoprint pa kami. Lol.
(malabo, i know, hihi)
And we bought movie tickets after.
I dont know how we ended up watching Valiant (we were late for The Longest Yard, and since its next showing was the earliest, we ended up watching that animated pigeon instead, hahaha)
Unless youre a 7-year-old kid who wants to fancy being a trained pigeon who's set to contribute to the World War, dont watch that movie. Hehe. But its still cute though, but still not as cute as Nemo, Spongebob, Patrick, Stitch, or Shrek. :P
I had fun hanging out with Boobs (lol), Lav, and Rocky after. Nag-ikot ikot lang tapos kung ano anong kwento. ;) Then, I met up with my Mom, Dad, and brother at South. After leaving Town, we forgot to buy something, so we passed by Festi pa ulit. Haha.
I bought some vcds so I could try the new portable vcd/cd/mp3 player we bought for Derrick (di pa kami pinagbigyan, ayaw parin ng iPod, :c)
Though I was super tired and sleepy already, I watched Forrest Gump pa for the first time last night.
"Run forrest run!"
"Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what youre gonna get."
Forrest is a dreamboy. I so love him now. Haha.
Then, I watched 13 going on 30 till 2am coz I couldnt sleep. Weird.
The movie made me appreciate my "loves" now that im still 17. I dont want to grow old yet. Hehe.
College is just around the corner, and though Im eagerly anticipating it, I think Im just fine here in my last year in high school. :)
Im set to read Mitch Albom's "Tuesdays with Morrie" and "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" today. So so so inspiring. This weekend's like filled with INSPIRE-ME moments. And im not complaining. :D
(sorry ang haba. lol)
[-looking forward to more inspiration-]
- n|x - was loved at 2:52 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~
[ So Emo ]
Some of these poems were written years ago, so pardon the excessive mawkishness.
oh and the act of plagiarizing, that is taking someone's words or ideas as if they were your own, is just wrong.
[ Unearthed ]
05.31.06
3.43am
I used to wish I could fly
The classic dream to get away from realityâ??s realm
I am but a tiny part of the sky
Just like the world I am living in
I have been introduced to heaven
Only to take an unkind fall to the ground
To rupture the spell of earthen
Onto which my essence is bound
I am on a quest to find the lost city
Where my refuge was built on rare site
I shant be taken aback by the affinity
Of the dream I foresee every night
[ Almighty ]
05.27.06
You are my mercenary
The one who lurks within the grave
The eye behind my head
For whom this cradle has been made
You are my mastermind
The creator of the ephemeral plan
The brain behind the grid
For whom I offer both my hands
You are my confidant
THe sole keeper of my wrath
The bridge of broken roads
For whom I cross thy father's path
You are my superior
The hand that holds my very fate
The truth Ill never know
For whom forever cannot wait
[ Unforeseen ]
05.09.05
I forgot all about you in record time
You seemed to have been erased from my mind
Im surprising myself
Im swollen with pride
Now without your lies
Ill be doing just fine
Guess youre not the person I presumed you to be
The most bogus of lines I always perceived
Im surprising myself
All filled with apathy
Look from afar
Foresee what youve done to me
Youre still held by those chains
Of what seemed like fatal pain
Im surprising myself
First-hand guilt had remained
Watch out young chap
Theres nothing youve gained
By far you were a dream that realized
But now with you rouge I sympathize
Im surprising myself
Ive now won the prize
To you I say goodbye
For you have met your demise
[ Stay Alive ]
05.09.05
I started down the trail
Alone and frail
With eyes at my back
I worked my way through
With every step I gasped
Knowing I wouldnt last
With shivering hands
I boldly staggered
Searched for refuge and fodder
To escape my own slaughter
Slowly I crept up the hill
A touch of life was found
I then lay on the ground
For on that very mound
With my arms wide open
I offered myself to you
I stood up on both feet
With no stain of conceit
I bowed before you
And freed my entirety
[ Mile ]
12.05.03
You cant blame me for being a dreamer
For the whole world dreams with me
Dare to think badly of my fantasy
I am living a life of imaginings
A victim of a world full of illusions
Seeing things that arent really there
Through the mist that has blinded me
I shall survive in my lair
The tongue of misunderstood feats
Tangled thoughts struggling to unravel
I have come to dig an endless hole
Gamble with life and jump
I have been ready for so long now
But no one dares
To even stop for a while
A love en route for you
Take the path and walk a mile
An unsent message creeps into my mind
I hear your voice from behind
A course full of high risks
I fall into a trance
Distractions let me be
The deafening sound of silence
An eye hidden from beneath
The sharp mouth cut through me
A spectacle of intense passion
I daze into the light
It shines through the darkness
I head for the beautiful sight
I have been raring to search for you
But I stay static
And remain euphoric
I stay here with a smile
Take the path and walk a mile
[ Here...I Wait ]
03.29.05
Here I lie again
On the bed of dreams
The desolate cradle of my core
I wait for your call
Here I bask again
On the crib of fears
The taut embrace I once felt
I wait for your plea
Here I sprawl again
On the cot of delusion
The words you spoke cut through me
I wait for your defense
Here I linger again
On the bunk of doubt
The grace of your stare so well-hidden
I wait for your declaration of guilt
Here I rest again
On the cushion of tears
The spiteful strangling of my essence
I wait for your feeble excuse
Here I wait again
On the floor of cowardice
The weakness I wrangle with
I wait for youâ?¦still
[ I Am Not ]
09.05.03
Fear is looking me in the eye
It glints with clout and authority
I succumb to its overpowering dominance
I might as well die
I fall into a trance
Into a stupor filled with uncertainty
Into a place where I am...
I am not
I want to break away from it all
Wipe out all the confusion
And go back to the real world
Where I am not
I want to evade the hurt and pain
Break away from all the sorrow
And wake up once again
To the sweet grief of life
The overwhelming anguish
The crushing agony
Its getting worse every moment
I am not
The drops of gratifying pleasure
The descent of all bliss
It has all come down to misfortune
Of what I am not
Sad are the tales recounted
Poor are the stories told
A myriad of thoughts flooding
Though I was not
Signified are all the emotions
Not felt
Not shown
Not caressed
Let it all out in the open
To where I am not
In this vast meadow of lies
We shall live our separate lives
Still I will wait and linger
For what I am not
I will try to decipher
I will believe and deem
I will hold on forever
Till I am not
I shall not let go
I shall not lose grip
I will not let you slip away
I am not
[ Gaea ]
07.16.04
Tell me when youre done
Counting the stars in the sky
Our feet firm on the ground
Anon show me how to fly
Catch the falling raindrops
And pour them onto me
Hide me from the suns rays
Still let light shine for you to see
Blow me away like the wind does
Take me to a faraway land
Dive into our secret sea
And we shall end up by the sand
Climb the highest mountain
I shall meet you at the peak
Hide away in the forest
For your being I shall seek
Dig deep into the ground
Make our own secret cave
On top of the trees you shall find
The love you shall save
Between the earth and heaven
I am yours
You are mine
Between the sea and stars
Till the very end of time
[ Passage ]
03.23.05
To the night that seemed so distant
I fled from the racing ire
With no boundaries, no margins, no chains and wires
I was constrained to meet an end
To the stars that seemed so far
I jumped down to the gorge so deep
With no one to hang on to, I fell
I tumbled deep into the sinister dark
To the clouds that seemed so elusive
I flew to the sky so broad
With no one to catch me, I faltered
I faded off into the heavens so grand
To the deep seas that seemed so endless
I wavered to go beyond the horizon
With no sign of life, I trembled
I drowned from the overwhelming tears
To the crevice that seemed so immense
I lay within to fill the hole
With no recognizable hand to help me through
I remained trapped and in me lingered hope
[ Seem ]
11.18.03
I keep climbing but I cant seem to reach the top
I keep on singing but no one hears me out
The sun keeps shining but why is it always dark?
You keep talking, true lies spill from you mouth
I take it all in, but I cant seem to taste
Dark clouds loom over you, but you still seem chaste
Im sewing them all together, but I cant make them whole
My body is visible, but I have no soul
Im a living being, but it appears that Im dead
Im still grieving over the haughty things that you said
I stand as the crow flies, but I stand in shame
I can picture your face but I canâ??t utter your name
Seeing things that are invisible to the eye
Im laughing out loud, but inside I cry
I am wide awake, but Im living in a dream
Im smiling, but surely
things arenâ??t always like they seem...
[ Sabi Mo ]
Sabi nilaâ?¦
Swerte daw akot kasama kita
Sa araw araw na kapiling ka
Parang wala nang hihilingin pa
Sabi nilaâ?¦
Para daw tayo sa isat isa
Tayoy pinagtagpo ng tadhana
Di na hahanap pa ng iba
Sabi nila...
Iba ang nakikita nila sa atin
Mga mata natiy nagniningning
Dalawang taong may pagaangkin
Sabi nilaâ?¦
Pakinggan ang bulong ng puso
Di bat nagmamahalan na kayo?
Ano pa ngayon ang hinihintay nyo?
Sabi ko namanâ?¦
Di ko maipapaliwanag pa
Kung ano itong nadarama
Tuwing kasama ko siya
Sabi koâ?¦
Twing nakatingin sa kanyang mata
Di na ko makahinga pa
Mundo koy hawak nya
Sabi koâ?¦
Matagal ko nang tinatago
Akoy matagal nang nagsusumamo
Para lamang sa iyong puso
Sabi koâ?¦
Di na kayang itago pa
Sana ngayoâ??y alam mo na
Mahal na mahal kitaâ?¦
Sabi mo namanâ?¦
Ano bang iniisip nila?
Tayoy laging magkasama
At laging masaya?
Sabi moâ?¦
Bakit ka ba laging nakatingin?
Tila may gustong sabihin
Bat di mo pa aminin?
Sabi moâ?¦
Ginugulo mo lang ang isip ko
Dibat magkaibigan tayo?
Ngayoy bakit ganito?
Sabi mo..
Dibat sinabi ko sayo
Di tayo kailanman magtatagpo..
Dahil and sabi koâ?¦
di ikaw ang mahal ko..
[ Araw-Gabi ]
Sa ilalim ng mga bituin
Nakatitig ako sa langit
Sa langit ng walang-hanggang kalaliman
Maaari kayang ikay nakatingala rin at nag-iisip
Nag-iisip sa kawalanâ?¦
Ako ang laman ng isipanâ?¦
Walang ingayâ?¦
Tahimik
Walang bosesâ?¦
Parang langit
Ikaw lang ang naririnig ko
Pangalan moâ??y sinisigaw ng puso.
Ang gabiy lumalalim
At ikaw ang kapiling
Gawin nating atin ang gabi...
Dumaan ang oras, at ang araw ay lumabas...
Lumiwanag ang langit, may ilaw, may ngitiâ?¦
Ang umagay dumating
Ang pagmamahal ay sapitin
Bagong araw ay atin...
Nagsumpaan tayong dalawa
Wala ng iba
Kundi ikaw at ako
Ang araw at ang bwan
Araw...gabi....araw at gabi...atin lamang..
[ Dazed and Confused ]
What am I to believe?
All the lies and deceit
It has all come upon me
He speaks of things I cannot grasp
What am I to believe?
Who am I to seek?
I am worthy of the truth and the real
I am forgotten by the past
Stupefied by the emotions
Infatuation lingers and reigns
What am I to believe?
So I say...
If you want to show me then do so
My eyes are free to see the light
If you want me to tell me then do so
My ears have been listening since forever
[ Deep ]
10.28.03
Suffocating gush of queries arise
As the wind blows wearily in the course of the night
Irksome jostling of shrouded emotions
The flailing hand ready to say goodbye
No right to proclaim, No right to utter
The deafening cry of the saddened heart
Such gratifying regrets I have come to reveal
Craving for love, for a touch of passion so real
The lush of contradictions and pains
Overwhelming desire for blunt happiness
The face full of beauty has come to wither
Now a smile is hopeless without life to savor
The never dying anguish I have come to accept
The living elements vigorously work against me
A promise not to live a life of regret
Locked up inside, never to be broken
Clinging to the words you sweetly spoke
Thin-skinned words which went right through me
The baffling thrust of hurt could be seen
Like a cascade of waters put on view
Reminiscing the moments we could have relished
Doors were unentered and gates grew vulnerable
A drop of tear is nowhere to be found
Nevertheless a birth of a flowing river came about
[ Drawn-Out ]
10.10.03
High-stake feeling
Rampaging over the spot
All drunken and unaware
Of the reckless pain love can cause
Staying with the feeling
Tracking the source
In the arms of waiting fondness
Brought down without a fight
Stealing a ton of tears
Getting your first break
Blinded by the flashing lights
Pushing you to your limit
The clear fog of blindness
Charging through your back
Spotting the real suspect
Of the injuries caused
Stunned and injured
Bruised heart bleeding all over
Setting you on fire
A series of heartbreaks
No place is too far
You cant hide from it
Vengeance and hatred
Looks are deceiving
Passion homicide
Outrageous outbreaks
The coast is clear for the end
Finally all worn out
[ Believe ]
05.21.04
It is beneath you to even stop deeming
take the bitter with the sweet
hold on to it, hold on tight
in a breathless effort to live
you are boom as a being
dont turn away to hide your face
bound your desires and live
you are one beauty of our time
love brewing within you
shout it out onto the world
take such steps as seem called for
crave out a life for yourself
remind me of your promise
dont be a victim of itâ??s charms
chiefly composed of cruelty
dont succumb, be strong
decisions alter circumstances
circumstances alter cases
never settle for whats not good enough
always take a step higher, aim high
seems that everything combines against you
dont fret, hold on, be strong
go command over yourself
clear your mind of doubt, move on
do not degrade yourself
no cheating, no lies
you are what you are
you shall be what you can be
just believe...
[ I Could Have ]
10.28.03
I could have been a beauty queen, if only I had the beauty
I could have been a movie star, if only I had a movie
I could have been what you were waiting for, though you werent waiting
I could have been the girl you loved, if only we werent hating
I could have cut my hair short, but I was already losing em
I could have saved you a seat, but I knew you werent comin
I could have waited for your call, but I kept the phone hanging
I could have been the love of your life, but sadly now were nothing
I could not help myself from falling for you
I couldâ??nt have avoided it coz you were falling too
I could have followed my head and said no
But Im not, I wont, my heart says so
I could have been a better person, but alas I am not
I could have been the one for you, boy, that would mean a lot
I could have made my dreams come true if only I were awake
There could have been a me and you, but everythings at stake
I could have done this and that, thats why now I do regret
I could have kept our memories, but I shall just forget
I could have looked you in the eye, but I was the one who turned away
I could have loved you with all my heart, if only you could stay
I could not go on any longer for I couldnt bear the pain
I could have cried the whole night while you were calling out her name
We could have been something you know, or is it just me?
We could have been together, if only she had set you free
I could have let go of you, but I wasnt, I was holding on
I could have released my hurt, but how could I? It was long gone
No pain could compare to the way you made me feel
I could have thought you loved me, pretending nothings real
I could have returned the favor, but I didnt want to give it back
I could have completed you, but there are things that we still lack
I could have loved you too, like the way you had loved me
It could have happened, It could still happen...
If only shell set you free
[ Impaired ]
I see you looking at her...
Her long black hair that I havent got
Her glistening eyes looking back at you
Her beguiling smile
Her beatific face
Makes me look down on myself
The ill fate that has thwarted my path
The tangible reality of my misfortune
Everything she has that I havent got
Envious of the sight
Hurting inside
I numb the ache
You see me look at you...
Your luminous smile shows your glee
Your surreal eyes filled with depth
Your enthralling splendor
I am lost in thought
I turn away
I avert my vista
I look away and hope
That you wouldnt see the tears
Why should you see me like this?
I am just a sham
Just anguish waiting to be felt
I deaden the pain
Weakened by the prejudice
Spoiled by all harm
Mitigated by false hopes
Loved yet impaired
[ Melancholy ]
9.22/28.03
Deep thoughts swim under the vast sea of notions
Jaded sentiments inhabit the jungle of fears
A solitary feeling in its dwelling place
They wasted it all
Lampooning life with sears
Ignore my tears for they fall for you
The rivers are filled
Drops of crystal blue
Misguided is my heart for all roads lead to you
Hoping that youd find your way to me too
The spectacle of fright is much to blunt to even be seen
Should have, could haves, what might have been
Countless winded paths that I dared to take
Loving you was a choice I had to make
Maybe tomorrow everythings going to change
Things will be fine
Things will be over
Please tell me they will be
Please tell me it will not last
False hopes are killing me
Its the things that I just canâ??t see
That make my life miserable
But uncertainty is a truth I just cant erase
To turn back the hands of time
Would be like you falling for me
I guess there are things in life
That really just cant be
If only you could see the beauty in me...
Id give up eternity to bring back the love that was once there
Stop whining
Stop lying
You might run out of things to say
Stop smearing that deceitful smile on your face
I know youâ??re guilty
Youâ??re the culprit of my heart
We almost had it
We were almost there
Everything just fell apart
Pain I just cant bear
My heart is filled with scars they left behind
Take those words and hurt me
Stab me straight in the mind
Ill let all the blood out
Ill let it all flow
Donâ??t worry tears wont fall
I wont let it show
Thats how your game goes
Hiding behind the silhouetted truth
Why dont you just come out in the open
And for once say things that are true
Im so tired of waiting
Im so tired of hoping
Its so hard to wait for something
That will never be coming
I may wait for eternity
I may wait till later
But I will leave my heart here
Just in case you remember
that thereâ??s still someone here
Loving you..
[ Inner-vity ]
05.21.04
My notions absorb me..
I live in abundance yet crave for more
this is abuse of the confidence youâ??ve has placed in me
there is teeming proof of my guilt
My thoughts drown me...
my behaviour does not accord with my principles
yet i continue on stepping to the fore
still i wont acknoledge myself beaten
My judgment engulfs me...
i never dare act the fool
judge me by actions not promises
no remorse do i feel for my deeds
My wisdom saturates me...
i stand in the face of adversity
i stare at it with a smile
i dare not cry, i dare not fall
My views sink within me...
i am held in great affection
yet i struggle to be free from the chains
in a state of agitation, i lie
My lies drill into me..
im in agony of shame
dont take it amiss, i do say
not an atom of truth in my face
My feelings go under me...
dont attempt impossibilities
base your hopes upon your view
dont liken yourself to me
dont...
[ to be continued... ]
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