Friday, December 23, 2005


is that your final answer?
ewan ko
hindi ko alam
pwede bang wag na lang nating pag-usapan?
There are just some things in this blown-up world that we'd rather not talk about. Sometimes, we actually have answers to questions, but we refuse to accept them just because. Either that or we really didnt have answers to start with.

And neither of the two is consoling (translation: they both suck).

Its like seeing a person eye-to-eye (literally), but never really recognizing who the person is.
Or knowing that Grimace exists (well, sort of), but never really finding out what he/she/it truly is (yam? taste bud? blob?).
Or staring straight at the sun, feeling its damn heat, but never really catching a glimpse of its grandeur.

You get my point. (And that, ladies and gentlemen, was a lousy attempt to add parallelism to this "souped" entry)

But when youre finally face to face with what youve been fearfully anticipating, youre dumbfounded by the extent of what has finally become of your hallucination - a blinding reality.

And its rare moments like these that catch me comically hopeful, when I can take off that mask - free from innocent smirks, cutting glares, and blunt gazes - and just be me. The me thats been wanting to get rid of the questions. The me thats been wanting to give the answers.

Its moments like these that make me dream for a space I can call my own, where only He can look down upon me and say "Here's what youve been waiting for...".

Its moments like these that make me wish that I look back up to him and question, "Why now? What good would it do? Itll only make things worse..."

...and just keep on looking up, waiting for an answer in vain.

Knowing that no matter how complicated and how surreal our 1-million-and-one-question test in life may seem there will always, always, always be answers, throws us off our lame excuses to not even try to look for them.

But then, were left with nothing but with a curious soul, just dying to find out whats left for us to know, and whats left for us to become.

Some are content with just an A, a B, a C, or a D. Perhaps a "None of the above"
But most of us dont settle forjust an answer. Others require an explanation.
An explanation that requires a lifetime to be deciphered - but we stare at it blankly nonetheless.

But no matter how convinced you are of the answer that youve got, know that hypothesizing our life's justifications doesnt gurantee us an exact mathematical equation. Knowing this isnt equal to knowing that. We can only predict the odds, but we can never really be sure.

Youve never really lived yet until youve gone through a labyrinth of questions - and come out a person who's finally content with the answers he holds.

If its any consolation though, go ask yourself if you would really rather have a languid, effortless, uncomplicated life...or would you still go for the whole gamut of experiencing heartbreak and pain, confusion and regret, emptiness and desolation and actually live?

But for the meantime...
huwag mo nang itanong sa akin
di ko rin naman sasabihin
huwag mo nang itanong sa akin
at di ko na iisipin
- n|x - was loved at 12:42 AM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


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