you see, im not a very brave person. my parents always get mad at me whenever i refuse to ask for extra rice or iced tea refills in restos. i always freak out whenever a cat is nearby (memories of the cat in the retreat house still haunt me). i dont commute because i fear criminals who actively function in the streets (except of course that one time when I was with an expert commuter). i choose to look straight ahead or look down whenever i pass a corridor full of boys. and i still havent ridden a tsubibo/ferris wheel.

yes, those make me weird, but what can i do? my knees weaken and whenever i encounter them. im left with nothing more but a chicken heart trying to put up a brave fight every single time.

ive got 10 high school days left and boy am i not ready for the end. its funny how after all these years of waiting and anticipating to break away from the jungle that is high school, im feeling hesistant to let go of the one place where my world came to be. its just probably because ive been holding on to it the moment i first arrived - its like chaining myself to the abode where i came face to face with the people who have grown so close to me.

lately, ive been catching glimpses of how it is to loosen bolts and untie knots. because of things I didnt even directly induce, unexpected events took place. and what sucks even more is the fact that I couldnt even do anything about it. or worse, I knew that I could have, but I just wouldnt. not for any other reason but fear.

damn you, fear.

theres no use in further cursing my agitations. i have to live with them, theres no doubt about that. and if theres any good thing that came out of them, its my fragile strength. my mana may not be likened to that of the real Supergirl's, Lance Armstrong's, or Momma Luds', but hey, im way stronger and way wiser than the old Nikki that I was a few years back. and thats what matters to me.

tonight i learned that being strong is not enough. you have to act upon that strength and use it to lift your loads.

i learned that it is hard to face goodbyes and untie ends, but one should not be regretful for the things that conceived it in the first place.

i learned that no matter how perfect something or someone seems, what's perfect for others isnt always whats right for you.

i learned that fear is inevitable, but courage is compelling.

im being brave.
you should too.

enough of the drama.
on with the rhapsody.