Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Flooded Head
"Am I rape-able?"

This may sound like one of those lines you'd hear from a foreign, low-budget, teen-flick-slash-almost-porn-ish movie, with this big-boobed blondie Ms. Popular delivering it with a hot, buffed, quarterback, blue-eyed blondie. But no, it's just really me talking.

"Rape-able" probably isnt even a word, but it just kind of popped in my head yesterday as I was carefully and consistently applying this yummy-smelling body lotion onto my not-so-desirable physique. It's funny how certain thoughts just enter your mind like that. Maybe I have this hidden desire of being "taken advantage of" (coz as horrific as this may sound, I think I had this dream one night of being abused by a group of drunken teenagers by the beach or something...), or maybe I actually have this great fear of being "hurt", or perhaps I just feel utmost sympathy for those young rape victims they show on the news every evening (it's sad how someone's father could be so cruel and unlawful).

I really dont know how or why, but I guess all that is processed in this overused-and-abused organ in my head (the brain is an organ, right?). I always preferred classifying plants and studying genetics over human biology (for obvious reasons), but the subconscious part of my mind has been going berserk for the past couple of weeks. I mean, I can never really know if that's what it's actually doing, but something tells me that this brain of mine has been well-exercised.

"Head over heart? Heart over head?"

There goes another thought. (From rape to body parts, geez)

I have this friend who's been through just about everything. She's resorted to drowning herself in junk food, causing strain to her eyes by crying a river every night, she's even thought of (gulp) the "S" word. (No, not that "S" you green-minded mortal, the other "i'd-rather-jump-off-a-50-foot-cliff" kind of thing). I felt really bad for her since the cause of all her pain was this big-headed jerk who didn't deserve to live (why? here's one of a thousand reasons: he even started err, flirting with me...in front of her). Yeah, he may have perfect eyes, a red car, and a nice Ate, but sometimes (most of the time actually), your knight in shining armor, whom most of us also call "Prince Charming", turns out to be the founder of "J.E.R.K. Inc."

Anyway, before I sound like a man-hater here, allow me to ponder on why my friend still thought that this guy was still worth her tears. Maybe, she just really has strong feelings for him to the point where she can't let go. But is that four-letter-word you see everywhere every February really enough for one to hold on that tight...till her hands bled? Maybe, she felt as if she wasn't complete without him, like she needed him like water and air, as if she knew from the very start that he was "the one", her soulmate, her one true love.
On second thought, I think scenarios like that are only fit for those love stories that some hopefuls love to dream about while others dread so immensely cause they have this recurring phrase in their head: "This isn't reality. Snap out of it."

I dont know. I'm running out of "Maybes..." and hypotheses. And I'll probably never understand the concept of the whole "No question about it. Heart over head. Whatever that thumb-test thing says, I'm following this beating thing in me" story. Not only does it sound pathetic, it also seems funny and dumb to the majority of this almost-cynical modern world. Like what that quote someone missent me a couple of years ago said, "The head is put on top of everything else for a reason," and that phrase just seems so justifiable and sensible, to the point where it's almost convincing.

Many have been swayed. Many have been converted. Many have realized that reality bites just as much as those bed bugs do at night (but a whole lot harsher).
Many have realized the reason why the head was put on top of everything else.
And I know you never could've guessed that I'm one of them now. (Sarcasm, sarcasm)

Oh, and that friend of mine I was talking about?
That was me. The old me. (Minus the melodrama and the "S" word)

And no, I haven't been sobbing, or feeling depressed, so hold that apathy-rush. I've actually been my best the past couple of days, and it's great to finally be in that state without having to rely on someone else.

I've just been thinking, that's all...and that is one of the many things that come with the Same-Old-Brand-New/repackaged me. :)

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- n|x - was loved at 10:35 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


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