Monday, May 30, 2005


Braver. Better.
I'm braver than I thought I was.

I arrived early and found myself wandering around the school grounds searching for our guidance counselor to submit my UP application forms. Little did I know that I was about to find someone who'd teach me a whole lot more about what to do, where to go, and what decision to make...a decision that was at par with my choice to study in UP, but at the same time, was way ahead in the Emotional Department as far as I was concerned.

As soon as we were only a few meters apart, a big, bright, warning sign popped in my head saying "Caution: Your Past Ahead" We both acted as if nothing happened, and it was either he had read my mind or maybe he just knew me well enough because that was exactly how I wanted things to be. I was surprised by how composed and calm I was during those few minutes of contact. I managed to stare right back despite the fact that I used to helplessly melt whenever I saw myself in its eyes. My voice didn't shake anymore like they used to whenever I tried to blurt out the words that managed to escape from my panicking head. My insides didn't drop, and there definitely were no butterflies felt in my stomach.

It still has that charm though that it's possesed since forever. That's probably one thing that'll never change no matter how undesirable things turn out every time the world spins around us. And I'm pretty sure it's something I'll never learn to get over too. It's that charm that caused me to trip and fall in the first place, and knowing how my body and soul works, the mark it left on me will never be forgotten.

Thanks to it and to everything I've been through, I have now learned to love myself more than I ever thought I could. I always thought I was at the losing end. I always had this notion that I was the only one gaining nothing but guilt and feelings of retribution. But after seeing things from a different perspective and after those bumps in the head that were enough to make my skull appear 3 times thicker than it actually was, I have come to know that I'm one girl who's been at the top ever since. Until now, I remain on that peak and wait for someone to finally reach it and claim it as his own.

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If there's one thing I love and hate having at the same time, aside from my not-so-thin body of course, it's my pride. Who says it's bad to be proud of something you actually worked hard for? We're automatically given Pride Licenses whenever we achieve something that has done great things for ourselves and for everyone else who are fortunately/unfortunately part of our lives. And with that license comes the right to hold your head up high while that pride holds it there.

But then, there are also times when you just desire for your genie to finally grant that last wish of yours. There are days when you've got everything at your reach except for that one microscopic bit of dream you've always been trying to grab hold of. There are moments when the whole world's already lecturing you and cheering you on to stand up, approach him, and say what you have to say, yet the big P manages to overwhelm you yet again and hold you back for the nth time from getting it over with.

Pride's always going to linger inside of me no matter how hard I try to ignore it. My ego's one thing I'd have to fight a few rounds with before I finally get to knock it out. I hate having to make up excuses and sugarcoating things I'm to proud to admit all the time. I guess that P that's most in touch with external reality it just trying to keep my feet on the Safe Zone, and I'd have to say that it has saved me from stray bullets and hidden landmines. But sometimes, I really do wish I get over my pride and just do what I want to do, feel what I want to feel, and say what I have to say...like say sorry to someone I've unintentionally hurt.

Just to say sorry for one last time...maybe it wouldn't hurt me as much as it had hurt him.

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I attended Search-In Circle 100's retreat from Friday till Sunday. It's great to witness my batchmates who used to not even know each other, end up hugging, singing, dancing and do all sorts of silly stuff together. It's great to see how people can still change despite all the drugs they take, tears they cry, stomps they make, and bitch-modes they succumb to. It's great to hear someone say, "Mahal kita...mahal na mahal kita" And it gives you unexplainable satisfaction in having to play a role in all of that.

Welcome to the Search-In family Circle 100! Keep the candle burning! ;)

Circle 96 the best! Fo Sho! Hehe :)

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Summer's almost over. It's been raining every day too. I love the rain. I should add that to my list of Simple Joys. :)
It's weird that I'm actually looking forward to going back to school. Despite the fact that I won't be seeing the same set of classmates I've had for the past 7 years, I'm still anticipating the memories I'm going to make this coming Senior year. Besides, it's going to be my last year in Zobel, so I might as well make the most out of it. :)


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Belated Happy Birthday Cao! ;) (May 27)

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[-wishing on a star-]

"in another one tiny area of the shore that surrounds the vast sea, another person rediscovers the feeling of beauty and serenity.

and lost loves...

and hopefully tranquility to calm someone weary...."

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- n|x - was loved at 11:25 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


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