Temporary Madness II: Nix It!

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

RIP

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OH MY GAHD.

My life is now officially over.

My Dad couldn't find his cellphone this morning. He couldn't leave the house without it. We all searched from the highest corners to the deepest nooks in the house, but we couldn't find it. I tried calling my Mom using the landline, but whenever she answered the phone, she won't "talk" coz all I heard was the sound of the car in the background. My brother was already late for his Orientation in Phil. Scie. High School (it was supposed to start at 7:15, but he was still here till about 7:00), so I finally tried to call my Mom using my phone to ask her if she knew where my Dad's cellphone was.

Me: "Mommy! Bakit di nyo sinasagot?!"
Mom: "Bakit?"
Me: "Nakita nyo po ba phone ni Daddy dito sa house? Di po sya makaalis ng walang cellphone!"
Mom: "...sabihin mo nasakin..."

Ohhhhkaaay.

They probably had a fight last night or something, coz I woke up in the middle of the night only to find my Mom sleeping beside me.

She ends up in my room whenever she and my Dad argue about something. Im used to it.

And that's not what's bothering me.

What effing pisses me off is the fact that MY CELLPHONE IS WITH MY DAD!

...and he'll have it with him THE WHOLE DAY!!

That's T-O-R-T-U-R-E!! not knowing what he'll do...who'll text me...what he'll read...WHAT HE'LL THINK!! shet.

I swear I heard the car exit the garage already, but nooooooooooooo, my Dad had to come back inside and ask me...

Dad: "Nagreply na ba si Mommy mo?"
Me: "Hindi pa po."

Dad: "...Borrow muna ng cellphone mo..."

Me: ".....!?!?!?!?!??!?!?.....UUUUUHH...Naubos na po credits ko eh, naubos when I called Mommy......"

*praying he'll buy it"

Dad: "...Okay lang...Bibilhan ko ng load..."

KABOOM.

It felt as if an atomic bomb had been dropped right in front of me.
Being the "good daughter" that I am, I succumbed to the request of, like Jan would put it, the "Kataas-taasan".

STUPID. STUPID decision.

Sorry for ranting about it here, but I just really have to let this out.
Naiiyak nako. BWAHAHA.

I have..."confidential" messages in my Inbox!!!!

"Confidential" could also mean "Deadly" once my Dad reads them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAAAH.

But if there's one thing I have to be thankful for, its my habit of erasing a person's number from my phonebook whenever "something not-so-good" happens between us...or if I'm trying to forget him...or something like that. So that means, 80% of the messages in my Inbox have no names in them. *WHEW*

BUT STILL!!!!!!!

The content of the messages.....they're lethal...waaah...once my Daddy...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

putangina.

patay ako.

hahahahahhahahahaha.

(wow, unang mura ko sa blog. that's how furious I am. I dont even curse like that in real life. LOL.)

PS - DONT TEXT ME. Please. I didn't know there'll come a day I'd ask everyone to NOT text me, but I'm left with no choice but to hope and pray that no one texts or calls me the whole day. Not today. It'll kill me. Lol.

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Icons galore!

- n|x - was loved at 7:06 AM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~

[ So Emo ]
Some of these poems were written years ago, so pardon the excessive mawkishness.
oh and the act of plagiarizing, that is taking someone's words or ideas as if they were your own, is just wrong.

[ Unearthed ]
05.31.06 3.43am

I used to wish I could fly
The classic dream to get away from realityâ??s realm
I am but a tiny part of the sky
Just like the world I am living in

I have been introduced to heaven
Only to take an unkind fall to the ground
To rupture the spell of earthen
Onto which my essence is bound

I am on a quest to find the lost city
Where my refuge was built on rare site
I shant be taken aback by the affinity
Of the dream I foresee every night

[ Almighty ]
05.27.06

You are my mercenary
The one who lurks within the grave
The eye behind my head
For whom this cradle has been made

You are my mastermind
The creator of the ephemeral plan
The brain behind the grid
For whom I offer both my hands

You are my confidant
THe sole keeper of my wrath
The bridge of broken roads
For whom I cross thy father's path

You are my superior
The hand that holds my very fate
The truth Ill never know
For whom forever cannot wait

[ Unforeseen ]
05.09.05

I forgot all about you in record time
You seemed to have been erased from my mind
Im surprising myself
Im swollen with pride
Now without your lies
Ill be doing just fine

Guess youre not the person I presumed you to be
The most bogus of lines I always perceived
Im surprising myself
All filled with apathy
Look from afar
Foresee what youve done to me

Youre still held by those chains
Of what seemed like fatal pain
Im surprising myself
First-hand guilt had remained
Watch out young chap
Theres nothing youve gained

By far you were a dream that realized
But now with you rouge I sympathize
Im surprising myself
Ive now won the prize
To you I say goodbye
For you have met your demise

[ Stay Alive ]
05.09.05

I started down the trail
Alone and frail
With eyes at my back
I worked my way through

With every step I gasped
Knowing I wouldnt last
With shivering hands
I boldly staggered

Searched for refuge and fodder
To escape my own slaughter
Slowly I crept up the hill
A touch of life was found

I then lay on the ground
For on that very mound
With my arms wide open
I offered myself to you

I stood up on both feet
With no stain of conceit
I bowed before you
And freed my entirety

[ Mile ]
12.05.03

You cant blame me for being a dreamer
For the whole world dreams with me
Dare to think badly of my fantasy
I am living a life of imaginings

A victim of a world full of illusions
Seeing things that arent really there
Through the mist that has blinded me
I shall survive in my lair

The tongue of misunderstood feats
Tangled thoughts struggling to unravel
I have come to dig an endless hole
Gamble with life and jump

I have been ready for so long now
But no one dares
To even stop for a while
A love en route for you
Take the path and walk a mile

An unsent message creeps into my mind
I hear your voice from behind
A course full of high risks
I fall into a trance

Distractions let me be
The deafening sound of silence
An eye hidden from beneath
The sharp mouth cut through me

A spectacle of intense passion
I daze into the light
It shines through the darkness
I head for the beautiful sight

I have been raring to search for you
But I stay static
And remain euphoric
I stay here with a smile
Take the path and walk a mile

[ Here...I Wait ]
03.29.05

Here I lie again
On the bed of dreams
The desolate cradle of my core
I wait for your call

Here I bask again
On the crib of fears
The taut embrace I once felt
I wait for your plea

Here I sprawl again
On the cot of delusion
The words you spoke cut through me
I wait for your defense

Here I linger again
On the bunk of doubt
The grace of your stare so well-hidden
I wait for your declaration of guilt

Here I rest again
On the cushion of tears
The spiteful strangling of my essence
I wait for your feeble excuse

Here I wait again
On the floor of cowardice
The weakness I wrangle with
I wait for youâ?¦still

[ I Am Not ]
09.05.03

Fear is looking me in the eye
It glints with clout and authority
I succumb to its overpowering dominance
I might as well die

I fall into a trance
Into a stupor filled with uncertainty
Into a place where I am...
I am not

I want to break away from it all
Wipe out all the confusion
And go back to the real world
Where I am not

I want to evade the hurt and pain
Break away from all the sorrow
And wake up once again
To the sweet grief of life

The overwhelming anguish
The crushing agony
Its getting worse every moment
I am not

The drops of gratifying pleasure
The descent of all bliss
It has all come down to misfortune
Of what I am not

Sad are the tales recounted
Poor are the stories told
A myriad of thoughts flooding
Though I was not

Signified are all the emotions
Not felt
Not shown
Not caressed
Let it all out in the open
To where I am not

In this vast meadow of lies
We shall live our separate lives
Still I will wait and linger
For what I am not

I will try to decipher
I will believe and deem
I will hold on forever
Till I am not

I shall not let go
I shall not lose grip
I will not let you slip away
I am not

[ Gaea ]
07.16.04

Tell me when youre done
Counting the stars in the sky
Our feet firm on the ground
Anon show me how to fly

Catch the falling raindrops
And pour them onto me
Hide me from the suns rays
Still let light shine for you to see

Blow me away like the wind does
Take me to a faraway land
Dive into our secret sea
And we shall end up by the sand

Climb the highest mountain
I shall meet you at the peak
Hide away in the forest
For your being I shall seek

Dig deep into the ground
Make our own secret cave
On top of the trees you shall find
The love you shall save

Between the earth and heaven
I am yours
You are mine
Between the sea and stars
Till the very end of time

[ Passage ]
03.23.05

To the night that seemed so distant
I fled from the racing ire
With no boundaries, no margins, no chains and wires
I was constrained to meet an end

To the stars that seemed so far
I jumped down to the gorge so deep
With no one to hang on to, I fell
I tumbled deep into the sinister dark

To the clouds that seemed so elusive
I flew to the sky so broad
With no one to catch me, I faltered
I faded off into the heavens so grand

To the deep seas that seemed so endless
I wavered to go beyond the horizon
With no sign of life, I trembled
I drowned from the overwhelming tears

To the crevice that seemed so immense
I lay within to fill the hole
With no recognizable hand to help me through
I remained trapped and in me lingered hope

[ Seem ]
11.18.03

I keep climbing but I cant seem to reach the top
I keep on singing but no one hears me out
The sun keeps shining but why is it always dark?
You keep talking, true lies spill from you mouth

I take it all in, but I cant seem to taste
Dark clouds loom over you, but you still seem chaste
Im sewing them all together, but I cant make them whole
My body is visible, but I have no soul

Im a living being, but it appears that Im dead
Im still grieving over the haughty things that you said
I stand as the crow flies, but I stand in shame
I can picture your face but I canâ??t utter your name

Seeing things that are invisible to the eye
Im laughing out loud, but inside I cry
I am wide awake, but Im living in a dream
Im smiling, but surely
things arenâ??t always like they seem...

[ Sabi Mo ]

Sabi nilaâ?¦
Swerte daw akot kasama kita
Sa araw araw na kapiling ka
Parang wala nang hihilingin pa

Sabi nilaâ?¦
Para daw tayo sa isat isa
Tayoy pinagtagpo ng tadhana
Di na hahanap pa ng iba

Sabi nila...
Iba ang nakikita nila sa atin
Mga mata natiy nagniningning
Dalawang taong may pagaangkin

Sabi nilaâ?¦
Pakinggan ang bulong ng puso
Di bat nagmamahalan na kayo?
Ano pa ngayon ang hinihintay nyo?

Sabi ko namanâ?¦
Di ko maipapaliwanag pa
Kung ano itong nadarama
Tuwing kasama ko siya

Sabi koâ?¦
Twing nakatingin sa kanyang mata
Di na ko makahinga pa
Mundo koy hawak nya

Sabi koâ?¦
Matagal ko nang tinatago
Akoy matagal nang nagsusumamo
Para lamang sa iyong puso
Sabi koâ?¦
Di na kayang itago pa
Sana ngayoâ??y alam mo na
Mahal na mahal kitaâ?¦

Sabi mo namanâ?¦
Ano bang iniisip nila?
Tayoy laging magkasama
At laging masaya?
Sabi moâ?¦
Bakit ka ba laging nakatingin?
Tila may gustong sabihin
Bat di mo pa aminin?
Sabi moâ?¦
Ginugulo mo lang ang isip ko
Dibat magkaibigan tayo?
Ngayoy bakit ganito?
Sabi mo..
Dibat sinabi ko sayo
Di tayo kailanman magtatagpo..
Dahil and sabi koâ?¦
di ikaw ang mahal ko..

[ Araw-Gabi ]

Sa ilalim ng mga bituin
Nakatitig ako sa langit
Sa langit ng walang-hanggang kalaliman

Maaari kayang ikay nakatingala rin at nag-iisip
Nag-iisip sa kawalanâ?¦
Ako ang laman ng isipanâ?¦

Walang ingayâ?¦
Tahimik
Walang bosesâ?¦
Parang langit

Ikaw lang ang naririnig ko
Pangalan moâ??y sinisigaw ng puso.
Ang gabiy lumalalim
At ikaw ang kapiling

Gawin nating atin ang gabi...
Dumaan ang oras, at ang araw ay lumabas...
Lumiwanag ang langit, may ilaw, may ngitiâ?¦

Ang umagay dumating
Ang pagmamahal ay sapitin
Bagong araw ay atin...

Nagsumpaan tayong dalawa
Wala ng iba
Kundi ikaw at ako
Ang araw at ang bwan
Araw...gabi....araw at gabi...atin lamang..

[ Dazed and Confused ]

What am I to believe?
All the lies and deceit
It has all come upon me

He speaks of things I cannot grasp
What am I to believe?
Who am I to seek?
I am worthy of the truth and the real
I am forgotten by the past

Stupefied by the emotions
Infatuation lingers and reigns
What am I to believe?
So I say...

If you want to show me then do so
My eyes are free to see the light
If you want me to tell me then do so
My ears have been listening since forever

[ Deep ]
10.28.03

Suffocating gush of queries arise
As the wind blows wearily in the course of the night
Irksome jostling of shrouded emotions
The flailing hand ready to say goodbye

No right to proclaim, No right to utter
The deafening cry of the saddened heart
Such gratifying regrets I have come to reveal
Craving for love, for a touch of passion so real

The lush of contradictions and pains
Overwhelming desire for blunt happiness
The face full of beauty has come to wither
Now a smile is hopeless without life to savor

The never dying anguish I have come to accept
The living elements vigorously work against me
A promise not to live a life of regret
Locked up inside, never to be broken

Clinging to the words you sweetly spoke
Thin-skinned words which went right through me
The baffling thrust of hurt could be seen
Like a cascade of waters put on view

Reminiscing the moments we could have relished
Doors were unentered and gates grew vulnerable
A drop of tear is nowhere to be found
Nevertheless a birth of a flowing river came about

[ Drawn-Out ]
10.10.03

High-stake feeling
Rampaging over the spot
All drunken and unaware
Of the reckless pain love can cause

Staying with the feeling
Tracking the source
In the arms of waiting fondness
Brought down without a fight
Stealing a ton of tears
Getting your first break
Blinded by the flashing lights
Pushing you to your limit

The clear fog of blindness
Charging through your back
Spotting the real suspect
Of the injuries caused

Stunned and injured
Bruised heart bleeding all over
Setting you on fire
A series of heartbreaks

No place is too far
You cant hide from it
Vengeance and hatred
Looks are deceiving

Passion homicide
Outrageous outbreaks
The coast is clear for the end
Finally all worn out

[ Believe ]
05.21.04

It is beneath you to even stop deeming
take the bitter with the sweet
hold on to it, hold on tight
in a breathless effort to live

you are boom as a being
dont turn away to hide your face
bound your desires and live
you are one beauty of our time

love brewing within you
shout it out onto the world
take such steps as seem called for
crave out a life for yourself

remind me of your promise
dont be a victim of itâ??s charms
chiefly composed of cruelty
dont succumb, be strong

decisions alter circumstances
circumstances alter cases
never settle for whats not good enough
always take a step higher, aim high

seems that everything combines against you
dont fret, hold on, be strong
go command over yourself
clear your mind of doubt, move on

do not degrade yourself
no cheating, no lies
you are what you are
you shall be what you can be

just believe...

[ I Could Have ]
10.28.03

I could have been a beauty queen, if only I had the beauty
I could have been a movie star, if only I had a movie
I could have been what you were waiting for, though you werent waiting

I could have been the girl you loved, if only we werent hating

I could have cut my hair short, but I was already losing em
I could have saved you a seat, but I knew you werent comin
I could have waited for your call, but I kept the phone hanging
I could have been the love of your life, but sadly now were nothing

I could not help myself from falling for you
I couldâ??nt have avoided it coz you were falling too
I could have followed my head and said no
But Im not, I wont, my heart says so

I could have been a better person, but alas I am not
I could have been the one for you, boy, that would mean a lot
I could have made my dreams come true if only I were awake
There could have been a me and you, but everythings at stake

I could have done this and that, thats why now I do regret
I could have kept our memories, but I shall just forget
I could have looked you in the eye, but I was the one who turned away
I could have loved you with all my heart, if only you could stay

I could not go on any longer for I couldnt bear the pain
I could have cried the whole night while you were calling out her name
We could have been something you know, or is it just me?
We could have been together, if only she had set you free

I could have let go of you, but I wasnt, I was holding on
I could have released my hurt, but how could I? It was long gone
No pain could compare to the way you made me feel
I could have thought you loved me, pretending nothings real

I could have returned the favor, but I didnt want to give it back
I could have completed you, but there are things that we still lack
I could have loved you too, like the way you had loved me
It could have happened, It could still happen...
If only shell set you free

[ Impaired ]

I see you looking at her...
Her long black hair that I havent got
Her glistening eyes looking back at you
Her beguiling smile
Her beatific face

Makes me look down on myself
The ill fate that has thwarted my path
The tangible reality of my misfortune
Everything she has that I havent got

Envious of the sight
Hurting inside
I numb the ache

You see me look at you...
Your luminous smile shows your glee
Your surreal eyes filled with depth
Your enthralling splendor
I am lost in thought

I turn away
I avert my vista
I look away and hope
That you wouldnt see the tears
Why should you see me like this?
I am just a sham
Just anguish waiting to be felt
I deaden the pain

Weakened by the prejudice
Spoiled by all harm
Mitigated by false hopes
Loved yet impaired

[ Melancholy ]
9.22/28.03

Deep thoughts swim under the vast sea of notions
Jaded sentiments inhabit the jungle of fears
A solitary feeling in its dwelling place
They wasted it all
Lampooning life with sears

Ignore my tears for they fall for you
The rivers are filled
Drops of crystal blue
Misguided is my heart for all roads lead to you
Hoping that youd find your way to me too

The spectacle of fright is much to blunt to even be seen
Should have, could haves, what might have been
Countless winded paths that I dared to take
Loving you was a choice I had to make

Maybe tomorrow everythings going to change
Things will be fine
Things will be over
Please tell me they will be
Please tell me it will not last
False hopes are killing me
Its the things that I just canâ??t see
That make my life miserable

But uncertainty is a truth I just cant erase
To turn back the hands of time
Would be like you falling for me
I guess there are things in life
That really just cant be

If only you could see the beauty in me...
Id give up eternity to bring back the love that was once there
Stop whining
Stop lying
You might run out of things to say
Stop smearing that deceitful smile on your face
I know youâ??re guilty
Youâ??re the culprit of my heart

We almost had it
We were almost there
Everything just fell apart
Pain I just cant bear

My heart is filled with scars they left behind
Take those words and hurt me
Stab me straight in the mind
Ill let all the blood out
Ill let it all flow
Donâ??t worry tears wont fall
I wont let it show
Thats how your game goes
Hiding behind the silhouetted truth
Why dont you just come out in the open
And for once say things that are true
Im so tired of waiting
Im so tired of hoping
Its so hard to wait for something
That will never be coming

I may wait for eternity
I may wait till later
But I will leave my heart here
Just in case you remember
that thereâ??s still someone here
Loving you..

[ Inner-vity ]
05.21.04

My notions absorb me..
I live in abundance yet crave for more
this is abuse of the confidence youâ??ve has placed in me
there is teeming proof of my guilt

My thoughts drown me...
my behaviour does not accord with my principles
yet i continue on stepping to the fore
still i wont acknoledge myself beaten

My judgment engulfs me...
i never dare act the fool
judge me by actions not promises
no remorse do i feel for my deeds

My wisdom saturates me...
i stand in the face of adversity
i stare at it with a smile
i dare not cry, i dare not fall

My views sink within me...
i am held in great affection
yet i struggle to be free from the chains
in a state of agitation, i lie

My lies drill into me..
im in agony of shame
dont take it amiss, i do say
not an atom of truth in my face

My feelings go under me...
dont attempt impossibilities
base your hopes upon your view
dont liken yourself to me

dont...

[ to be continued... ]