Friday, March 31, 2006


here's one for us girls
Ode to the Nice Girls
This rant was written because a nice girl finally snapped.

(from the net)
its a long read, but its worth it :)

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

Sometimes the nice girl gets sick of waiting
114087824
- n|x - was loved at 11:12 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~



Single, but taken?
Being a former "Confused Female" [I know I need and want a nice guy, but why do I always end up with complete jerks?!], I just found this to be a good read. Do nice guys really finish last? Maybe. But when they do, it's grand :)

Ode to the Nice Guys

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style. This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!". And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as, "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship". Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

Thank you bud for the link :)
- n|x - was loved at 8:39 PM
[link to post] [2 smiles for me :)]
~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~



kwentong tsoknat
We all loved the Sweet Valley High/Goosebumps/Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys/The Babysitters Club/Where's Waldo books, didnt we? If we werent watching The Power Rangers, or the Ninja Turtles, or Princess Sarah, or Marimar, we'd be reading these books after doing those squiggly penmanship exercises in school. Im trying to relive my childhood days (because I am supposedly an "adult" now) by re-reading some of them. I miss being a kid. :(

I find it very rewarding to have unlimited internet connection at home for it gives me leeway to fasten my non-existent "fun summer vacation" with my very real experience of boredom. Thank the makers of the Worldwide Web for having created such a wonder - it helps me fight off ennui (eow, expanding my vocabulary am i?) that tedious hours of doing absolutely nothing bring about.

*Meet the Fockers download from Limewire - 89% Yay!*

Its at times like these that I wish I had a Globe/Smart line subscription too. Having to spend a good amount of whats left of my money (which is way below sufficient) on credits is hard on the heart...and pocket. But as much as Id like to save precious pesos, I find it irresistible to reply to friends who are either as bored as me or are enjoying the sand and sea somewhere faraway. *Sigh*

*Darrins Dance Grooves Pop and Lock Dance Instruction (Hip Hop Dancing Lessons) download - 100%* What was i thinking?! Hahaha.*

I never got to appreciate new emails, new text messages, new online journal comments *ahem*, new tags, and YM offline messages as much I do now. Spam e-mails and messages from my good ol buddy Mr. Smart (from 288 or 2366) become pathetic sources of momentary excitement. Fun, right? :
I dont know what it is about this peanut-filled sweet treat that contains 180 calories for every 4 pieces that I love.
Apparently, this has been the only thing thats been keeping me sane...and a couple of live friendly humans as well. :)

Was thinking of changing my blogspot's URL to "tsoknat" or "chocnut" or something. Haha. Watcha think?

*In other news: Wala na pala yung Sexbomb Dancers sa Eat Bulaga! Bwahahaha! :P*
- n|x - was loved at 1:51 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


Thursday, March 30, 2006


here we go
Quotes from Notting Hill (which I am currently watching after downloading it for hours) :D

Max: Let's face facts, this was always a no-win situation. Anna's a goddess, you know what happens to mortals who get involved with gods.
William: Buggered, is it?
Max: Every time.

William: I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are, my mother has trouble remembering my name.
Anna Scott: I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
- n|x - was loved at 9:39 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~



because I am bored
On my way to Batangas a few months ago, I was in the van with my family and saw 2 rainbows in the sky. Seeing one array of colors above your head is amazing enough, imagine seeing two. They were so pretty that I ended up making a mental note to blog about it and elaborate at how at that very moment, i realized that there are bigger, better things in life than just my personal concerns. Since it amazingly rained today as well, I was reminded of this and so here i am, blogging about it--scratching it off my mental to-do-list. Heaven knows how much I love the rain. Much more rainbows.

I am such a girly girl.

Now i can fill up my brain with more useless things--such as my personal concerns and random acts of boredom.
- n|x - was loved at 3:17 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


Wednesday, March 29, 2006


how do you bring about a smile without even trying to?
The funny thing is...i meant it.
Sometimes we do things without even knowing why or how we end up doing them. We are caught up with the satisfaction of the moment that we forget the prerequisites of such acts. Consequences are inevitable and thus, we are left with no choice but to look back and recall the very same questions we were presented with in the first place.

What do you exactly want?

With hope that this unending cycle finally ceases to exist, we hold on to that one thing so dear to us. Perhaps not one of them may present it in a complete package, but we somehow manage to pick up the pieces of the puzzle and, again, hope that we come up with one big and clear picture for good.

Giving off a vibe of a focused lack of attention is a faulty in one's behalf. I perhaps may have very well given off unaware forewarnings of oblivion or neglect. These are unavoidable in my behalf, if I may say so myself, but I am regretful nonetheless.

Im still waiting for that one day when everything will fall into place.
Maybe I should stop looking past the horizon, veer off the unreachable end, and look at what awaits behind me.
Maybe then Id chance upon a live reverie. :)

***

Went to Zobel this morning to get my card and finalize my clearance.
I had to effing pay 500 bucks for (get this) being so responsible enough to have been tasked to collect the fair shirt payments of my class but being so unlucky enough to have had extra orders from my classmates who had to cash in as well for fair shirts they didnt even receive! Now Ms-(insert last name here) has also been instigating that we had P790 worth of balance due (?), but in my oh-so-organized list (may tables pa of payments and number of shirts etc per DAY, haha) , we only had P490orsomething worth of fair shirts left to pay. Grrr. Long story.O: Anyway, enough of that. Hope I still get to reimburse my money. Im flat broke this summer. :
My grades are back to normal. Yay! As in my first term and third term grades are almost exactly alike. What happened to me during the second term? Oh yeah. You did? Haha.

Had to run around the campus which I will so dearly miss for a while. Good thing I found a couple of classmates with whom I could tag along with as we search for Ms Padua, Ms Cruz, etc. Was supposed to meet up with Jana, but I ended up going Went to Town after with Hugh, Jim, and Raissa. Met up with Toba too eventually. After eating and playing in Timezone, Hugh, Toba, and I ended up watching Venom (ugh) and Ice Age 2 (loved it!) together while Jim and Raissa watched Ice Age 2 earlier on. Raissa also cut her hair short and had it dyed in a couple of colors. She looked gorgeous with her new hair! Made me consider trying on a whole different look for college. Mag-U-UP pa naman ako. >:)

Nasan na yung letter from UP Diliman?! Waah. Must call tomorrow.O:

Oh, and I went to Festi after with my parents.
It was just so wrong of me to wear heels. Ngarr. Now my feet are hurting like hell.

I miss my friends. :(

Haha. Anyway, Im too tired to type.
And Ive been sounding like a ditsy blogger lately. I hate it.

Oh, and Rico Blanco just viewed my Multiply site (after I so cleverly stalked his, hihi). Yes, the real one I believe.
Close na kami ng aking 345984759746th idol/crush. Ohyes. Marry me, Rico, and pass on your incredible talents to our lovely kids. Haha. :)

EK or Splash Island next week, anyone up for it? :D
- n|x - was loved at 11:35 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


Tuesday, March 28, 2006


im meeeelltiiinngg..
Is it just me or is it just REALLY REALLY REALLY HOT? :O
Even with the airconditioner on, mainit pa rin! O:

While everyone else is in the beach, enjoying the ocean breeze and the summer sun, I am here at home rotting. I can seriously feel my brain disintegrating and my fats multiplying on their own (if thats even possible). Bleh.

Im going to school -este, Zobel tomorrow to return my toga and to get my card. Ill be amidst my high school as an alumna. Whee. Then Ill be off to Town to meet with Jana and watch a movie or something. Finally, a place I can dwell in aside from my own house. Haha.

I am bored. Who else is? If youre reading this, then you are. Haha.
Cmon and be bored with me.

I want chocopeanut ice cream. Bring it back! :)
- n|x - was loved at 8:46 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


Monday, March 27, 2006


go shorty, its my birthday! haha :)
Okay fine, I admit to having started off with an "unhappy" birthday. In fact, while I was typing my previous entry, I ran out of tissue coz uh, something was in my eye. Haha. But hey, it turns out that printing your birthdate on invitations given out to your whole batch reaps a truckload of birthday greetings. Lol.

As pathetic as this may sound, I used to count the number of people who would bother to call, text, e-mail, IM, etc. me on my birthday. Thats how atat I was to hear simple "Happy Birthdays" on my special day. Having been born at the end of March when school has just closed and summer has just peeked through everyone else's window isnt likeable at all. People do tend to forget it. Even I fail to remember it sometimes.


And at the start of the day (meaning 12am), I was flooded with YM Instant Messages from my batchmates - some from those I never even got to personally talk to in school. I replied sincere thank yous despite the fact that I knew (Im guessing) that someone reminded them of my birthday. Lol. But what the hell, they still all wished me well, and Im thankful for that. :)

I also got a couple of phone (both landline and cell) calls from close friends with whom I wished I could have talked longer to. Babawi ako next time, pramis. :)

So there. I slept at around 3am thinking that I had to wake up early "the next morning" since I was planning on treating a couple of friends to lunch. But as soon as my phone alarmed, I was awakened by my Mom and told me that there had been a change of plans and that I could only go with them for dinner. :
After that, I tried to erase my being eighteen from my mind. But the constant text messages and ceaseless greetings made it difficult for me to do so (not that Im complaining) haha.

I know Im sounding like a 7-year-old girl who just got home from her kiddie party, and well, I guess what Im feeling now can actually be compared to that.

Like Ive mentioned in my past entries, Im not really used to actually celebrating special occasions, especially my birthday. But I guess this year had to be different since magiging dalaga na nga ako. Haha. Eow. But anyhow, I thought after having attended mass at St. Jerome and eating dinner at Zong with my whole family, my day was over. But to my surprise (yes, surprise!) Nino came running to my bedroom door and told me, "Ate! May mga batchmates ka sa labas! Ang daming tao!"

Me: "Ngeeeeh?"

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Haha. And to my delight, I saw Jana by the front door. :)
I opened the door to let her in and found Tim and Boggs with balloons and a cake. :)
Yay! :D
I was completely unprepared for their arrival. The house was a mess. I was a mess (since I just got home from Zong and was already lying in my bed then). Everything was a mess. But hopefully, they didnt mind. (Guys? haha)


I introduced them to my parents and brothers, tapos yun nagkwentuhan at nagkainan.
We ate the cake they brought me and the Nestle Golden Nangkasuy (wth?) ice cream. Hehe.

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I guess I dont really have to expound on my kwento.
I just hope you guys know how thankful I am that you magically appeared on my doorstep this evening. You saved my birthday. Really. Haha.
Love you three to bits! :)

And to everyone else who bothered to remember and greet me (even Jow and Ces!), thank you soooooooo much. :D

Thank you for being part of my eighteen years of existence. :)

Happy Birthday Jow!
Miss you! We better meet up again soon and celebrate our birthdays together! Wish you all the best! Labshu! :*
- n|x - was loved at 11:29 PM
[link to post] [5 smiles for me :)]
~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~



old enough to know better but to young to care :)
After having had surpassed 18 grueling yet amazing years of my life, I have come to discover the feeling of ecstasy that not even I could afford to grasp.

You'd think one could only get this from those little pills that induce sensations of bliss and perfection - temporary madness is what Id like to call it. But that degree of happiness is only a small drop to the sea of the real thing. If only we took time to feel beyond those hours of merrymaking and take in the euphoria that reality has to offer, then that would be the only time we'd actually feel like we deserve it.

I admit to having exercised my lacrimal glands again last night, before the clock even struck 12, and just this morning, a few minutes after waking up. Just when I was starting to like the philanthropic, panic-stricken, schmaltzy, easily-swayed, heart-driven stargazer, that is me, fate decides to display its power over my fragility and wrestles my emotions. That is the exact same reason why I have always dreamed even if my eyes werent closed - for fear of not catching that star that passes me by at night after having looked up for the longest time.

You see, my life is atypically typical. I find myself crawling beneath the misty haze this crazy world has covered my path. Compared to others, my haze does not consist of minute drops of girly catfights and backstabbing, late-night drunkenness or drug abuse, teenage drama worthy of soap opera airtime, or even parental disembodiment - only verifiable existence of friends who stick with you even after you do something stupid, a family who defies norms by going beyond what the rule book says without breaking any of them, and authentic experience of heartbreak, disappointment, confusion, melancholy, satisfaction, foolishness, and yes, some of that temporary madness.

My closest friends know how I still secretly believe in stories that begin in "Once upon a time...". We all do, knowing that we dwell upon the birth of the beautiful things we wish our life to be. But we too all know that not every story ends with a "...and they lived happily ever after" coz in fact, many of us just tend to live. Not happily.

But today, having tasted the feeling of ecstasy compelled me to live more years in order for myself to deserve it.

I may not have contributed to society as far as my abilities are concerned, but I try my best to offer what I have to give. I stay up till the wee hours of the morning trying to comfort a friend with problems. I laugh at every joke I hear and smile at every exaltation. I share answers in Math, Science, Filipino and sometimes, even in Love 101. I muse on how I can eliminate poverty without having to sell everyone else's livers. I act on my spirituality and try to rub off some faith on others. I share my thoughts online hoping that I can stimulate the mind or emotions of readers with my writing without having crazy web lunatic stalk me. I refuse to indulge in the high ground of adolesence like what other people my age have the luxury of just because I try to be a perfect example to my brothers. I sing and dance when I want to even when others laugh. I listen to the kilig kwentos of my friends while beaming sincere pride and happiness for them.
I try to right some wrongs and make ends meet. I try to show wisdom despite feeling brainless and sabaw. I try to display courage in times of frailty. I try to pass on happiness even at my own expense. And I try to show love and be loved.

That was all I had to offer with hope that they touched another human being still at hand.

I have always been stumped by the questions "What's up?" and "Musta na?" coz in fact, I always end up now knowing what answer to give. I dont find it right to tell people Im okay, not because I am not, but because I find such queries worthy of more meaningful thought. My usual answer "Im good" may perhaps never do justice. But thats exactly how I am now. Not great, not bad, but good.


Great players have carried on their roles in my life in a manner I cant even behold. My parents who, despite our lack of PDAing and intimate moments, shower me with blessings and love that not too many receive. My old friends who seemed to have went beyond their past impressions of me and opened their arms to who I really am. New friends who made my high school life all the more exciting - exactly what it had to be. My boyfriends who up until now are hiding from me and posing as non-existent Supermans who shall save me one day. My best friends with whom I laughed with and cried with without hesitating for a minute. And there's also Him and me who have struggled in believing in one another yet managed to hold on.

Some of you I know by sight and heart alone. Some Ive shared my highest and lowest moments with. Some Ive fallen secretly yet madly in love with. Some lent me an ear and offered a hand. Some I bared my soul to. Some I envied. Some I admired. Most I highly valued. Most I believed in. But I have loved each and every one. I still do. You guys know who you are. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I will repay you with Chocnut or a kiss one day. If you need saving, Ill try my best to heed your call. :)

Before I turned eighteen, I learned that I could not please everyone no matter how hard I try. I learned that its okay to get hurt and cry. I learned that its never too late to change. I learned that its easier to be a coward than be brave. I learned that it takes practice to hold on to something and more practice to let it go when you have to. I learned that it takes courage to fall in love, and even more to admit you have. I learned that making mistakes is inevitable and learning from them is vital. I learned that if you work hard for something, you get what you deserve and you deserve what you get. I learned that my life deserves to be lived extraordinarily within bounds of my existence.

We are such in a hurry to grow up, fall in love, even die. We don't seem to have the same urgency to know, believe and thrive. And doing so could save so many lives and loves.

So today as I turn eighteen, nothing much shall change. Turning a year older and entering womanhood has its fines and perks, so wish me luck as I try to juggle them in the air.

Thank you so much for all the greetings! :)
A happy birthday to me indeed! :)
- n|x - was loved at 6:49 AM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


Sunday, March 26, 2006


boo.
Looks like I wont be getting that "inspiration" to write tonight after all. Lol. O:

My 10 Things I Hate About You download is almost done.
Maybe that would be enjoyable to watch.

*grins*

coz you dont even care. hahaha.
- n|x - was loved at 9:56 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~



this was a year ago...
*This entry was written exactly a year ago. I have yet to come up with an entry for graduation and my *gulp* eighteenth birthday. Once inspiration hits me in the head, I shall start typing :)*

Being 16 has been the greatest! (Is that gramatically correct? Lol)

Even though I still have a lot of uncertainties (like the correctness of my previous sentence), the past year would definitely have to be one of the most colorful (and not to mention, craziest) chapters in my life. I know it's cliche, but being sixteen was truly...sweet.Ü I've always thought that being a teenager meant having to deal with immature boys, choice of clothes and make-up, terror teachers, Physics & Trigonometry, fights with your 'rents, and the likes. Well, I was right, wasn't I? But it wasn't just all about that. It meant so much more.

Omg. I sound like a woman in her late 50s reminiscing her teenage years.Ö Thats scary. But maybe someday, when my face is filled with unwanted wrinkles and when my hair has turned all gray, I'll look back and realize how fragile and innocent I was back then. Ive always thought of myself as someone who's been through a lot. But whenever I hear stories about other people who got pregnant at the age of 16, who got drunk and wasted at 15, who jumped off the roof at 16 and a half, I realize how innocent I am compared to these people. Not that having to do crazy things means that you're already "mature" or "experienced". Its just that, I still have a lot of nights to spend crying, days to spend laughing, and years to spend living.
Surprisingly, it saddens me to think that Ill be writing the number "7" after the "1" on the blank next to the "Age" part of my college application forms. The fact that Im turning a year older does make my knees feel all wobbly too, coz it's like an indication that I really am *gulp* old...matanda..gurang. I remember wanting to be "seventeen" back when I was still seven. I have an entry in my diary as proof of how I expected that age to be full of "bitterness, boyfriends, and bawls." I end up laughing every time I read that journal. I can't believe I used to believe all the things I see and hear on those teen-oriented sitcoms and movies. Those shows may not be 100% fictional, but they sure have a lot of truth in them. Sometimes, it makes me even want to wish that I was some character or actress in a show. I want to be like Lana Lang...or Marissa...or Hailey...or some other tv hearthrob (the thought of having a Clark Kent, a Ryan, and Nathan is quite dreamy too! hehe). Kristin Kreuk or Mischa Barton portray their characters well and they seem to efficiently squeeze out all that emotion needed for every scene. Most girls probably go through the same scenarios...too bad they don't have scripts to tell them exactly what to do or where to go.

Speaking of scripts, for my English poem (which I submitted to Sir Alfer a day after the deadline...haha) I wrote about the "woman behind the red curtain". I talked about how things in my life seemed to be part of a play, with interesting characters, not-so-bland scenes, and a normal setting. I mentioned how the story went on...how the scripts were made as the lines were being said. I wrote about how I was trying to conquer the stage and how I managed to let the audience see the character, that is me. But aside from all that, I talked about the woman behind the red curtain...my mom.

My Mom kissed me an hour ago. And that kiss would have to be the best gift Ill be receiving on my birthday(grammar check please, hehe).
You see, it's not a "normal thing" in our family to kiss...to hug...to say "I Love You" or to even say "Peace Be With You" in mass every Sunday.
I have to admit that sometimes, I envy those kids who get goodnight kisses and tight hugs before they go to sleep.
But despite this atypical setting that I am in, I am proud to say that we're a weird...yet, happy family.:)

I was sitting quietly on the big, brown, couch while watching 7th heaven (missing Simon's character and adoring Ashlee Simpson's outfit) when my Mom sat down beside me...asked me why I tied my hair (coz she thought that I looked "prettier" with my hair up)...stared at my me for a few seconds (which Im used to...coz she does that either to examine my skin or point out an imperfection/asset)...then, out of nowhere, she kissed me on the cheeks. I just acted as if I wasn't "loving" her kiss and giggled as I said, "Mooommy..." But the truth was, during those few seconds of her PDA-ing...I felt loved.:) I really did. And that made my day...which also made me want to live another year longer.

As I end my days of being 16 (I suck at English compositions...Im doubting my writing skills as of the moment, so pardon the grammatical errors, okie? hehe), I look back and see a Dominique (wow, I called myself by my first name, haha) full of hopes and dreams...of homeworks and fears, of kilig moments and tears (rhyming!), of friendships and laughters, of lessons and outbursts (i couldnt think of a word that would rhyme with "laughters"), of dilemmas and triumphs, and of disappointments and love.

As I draw near the world of being seventeen, I see a road ahead full of more heartbreaks, Investigative Projects, love pentagons, addictions, best friends, crushes, late-night phone conversations, cramming, advice-giving, medals, adventures, bondings, realizations, prayers, and dreams.

To all the people who have always been and have become part of my life, thank you.:)

Goodbye, sweet sixteen.

Happy 17th Birthday to me! (in approximately 2 and a half hours) hehe. =D

***
Back to present...

My day's been nothing but one big BORE. I woke up at 1 pm coz someone just had to keep me up till 4am? Haha. BOO! :P

Im missing my friends already. I bet everyone else is off to some cold, breezy place like Tagaytay or Baguio, or some warm and sunny beach like Bora or Fuego. Waah. Sama nyo ko! :( Lol.

Anong pwede ko gawin *ahem*tomorrow*ahem*?
Ikakasal kasi si Raymart Santiago saka si Claudine Baretto eh.
DEH. Haha.
Friends, any suggestions? :)
Mukhang di ako papayagan sa GK eh. Noooo. O:

Anyhoo, let me get back to my tv-whoring (yay! okay na ulit TV ko sa room. turns out the cable wasnt correctly connected lang, haha.) and choco-banana-shake-drinking. :)
Later! :)
- n|x - was loved at 4:46 PM
[link to post] [2 smiles for me :)]
~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~




I now officially have new favorite songs. \:D/

Elsewhere
Bethany Joy Lenz

I love the time and in between
the calm inside me
in the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
distance I have wandered
to touch upon the years of
reaching out and reaching in
holding out holding in

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

I know this love is passing time
passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire
but I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near
I believe

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
the mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
to live my life the way I feel is right for me
might not be right for you but it's right for me
I believe

Mine. All mine. :)

Let Me Fall
(still by) Bethany Joy Lenz

Its October again
The leaves are coming down
One more years come and gone
And nothings changed at all

Wasnt I supposed to be someone
To face the things that I’ve been running from

Let me feel
I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I cry a little, die a little
At least I know I lived
Just a little

Ive become much too good
At being invincible
Im an expert at play it safe
And keep it cool

But I swear
This isnt who I meant to be
I refuse to let my life roll over me

I wanna be somebody
Who can face the things that I’ve been running from

Let me feel
I dont care if I break down
Let me fall
Even if I hit the ground
And if I cry a little, die a little
At least I know I lived

Its October again
Leaves are coming down
One more years come and gone
And nothings changed at all

If you dont know who the artist is, shes the actress who plays Haley Scott on One Tree Hill. :)

***
Weird. The fact that Ive already graduated from high school and am turning EIGHTEEN in 2 days still hasnt hit me yet. Someone/thing else hit me please. :)

Glad this day is over.
On to more adventures. :P
- n|x - was loved at 12:05 AM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


Saturday, March 25, 2006


graduate nako!
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lookie! i was on the stage the whole time! haha.
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with my mother dear who was wearing purple :x
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my Mom's a fan of Lorenzo (loved your speech!)
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my diploma (ohyeah)
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my BFFs (congrats huns! oh, jana's the valedictorian lang naman, haha) ;)
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*Hail Hail Hail*
*more pictures to be posted soon!*

Congrats Batch 2006! :)
- n|x - was loved at 7:33 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


Friday, March 24, 2006


of love and friendship and the fine line in between
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I love it.
Almost all my best friends are in love and happy. <3
Guys and girls alike.

Sabi sainyo ako matitira eh.
Mukhang di na talaga ako makakapag-asawa.
Bwahahaha. :)

Shet. BBF/GFF (boy/girl-before-friends) na ba to?
Nooooooo! Haha.
At kayo, ingatan nyo mga kaibigan ko ha, kundi... >:)

Cant be any happier for all you guys!
Ayiheee! :)
- n|x - was loved at 11:35 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~



Goodbye-Gifts
I did nothing the whole day except watch Dawn of the Dead on HBO and lie on bed with my phone in hand. If this is how my whole summer is gonna be like, then I foresee a couple of pounds weighing in my already-out-of-shape body.

***

Ive been trying to come up with goodbye-gift ideas for my friends. The whole idea of being "apart" after graduation hasnt quite sunk in yet since I know I will be seeing them again. And since Im dead broke and out of art materials here at home, I thought that maybe the least I could give my friends are those things that only the heart can appreciate.

The Gift of Listening
Im not much of a "talker" and that is why I have fallen into the category of being the "listener". After not interrupting and just listening, sometimes I plan my response/I have ready answers/I give facts, but most of the time I guess and just hope that I get my message across. But sometimes, all my friends really need is one who'd be there to just listen. You can always count on me for this one.

The Gift of Laughter
God knows how much I suck at giving punchlines and recounting jokes. I can probably put on a clown costume and scare kids away instead of make them laugh. But if there's one thing that Im good at, its laughing. Im what you can call mababaw. I can roll on the floor laughing about the most insane things - from how a certain someone eats down to how badly a joke was executed. I can laugh at anything (as long as Im in the mood that is). So with that, I can gurantee you a mental note saying, "I love to laugh with you."

The Gift of a Favor
I find satisfaction in helping out people. Sometimes, people say I go overboard, but I dont care (as much, hehe). Its fun to go out of one's way to assist in any way you can. So as long as it doesnt involve making utang or powertripping or things like that, then you can always count on me to come to the "rescue". Eow.

The Gift of a Compliment
I, for one, used to not know how to take compliments. Id always end up getting flushed and respond the wrong way. But after some time, I learned how to take them well and express my gratitude by saying a simple "thank you" trusting that the person meant what he/she said. A simple and sincere, "Galing mo kanina!quot; or "You look nicer in red!" from me should hopefully make someone's day.

The Gift of Sensitivity
A semi-introvert like me should understand how important some alone-time is. There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone and give time for ourselves, so you can count on me to leave you with your solitude. I am also quite good at reading people (at given circumstances). Seeing through my friends is one of my developing skills (at least Im trying to), so being sensitive to those times when you need someone as well is something Ill also try to perfect.

The Gift of Affection
Okay. This is gonna be a tough one since Ive never really been the touchy-feely type (coz of how I was brought up). But I know how hugs, kisses, pats on the back, messing up with the hair, tickles, and the likes make me feel better, so Im sure these small actions, when given to others, would be appreciated as well.

The Gift of Understanding
If there's another thing I find wrong in myself, its that I understand too much, in the sense that I find the "silver lining" in every cloud no matter how dark and heavy it seems. But when taken, or rather, given in moderation, understanding is something that not too many people get nowadays. So I would be very much willing to give it as long as you deserve it.

The Gift of a Prayer
Not many of you may know it, but I include you in my prayers. So hopefully, He heeds them and grants me my wishes for you. For any other special intentions, just come to me and Id be more than glad to include them. Nothing beats talking to Him when youve got someone backing you up.

The Gift of Wisdom
Im not wise, thats for sure. I make mistakes just like everyone else. But having to make them all over again would make me even un-wiser. So for the sake of passing on experience to the people I care for, sharing the things I learn along the way could hopefully help others with their own struggles. That way, we all get wiser through time.

The Gift of a Smile
I have always been told that smiles are priceless. I surely can attest to that. Sometimes, when you feel like nothing in your life is going right anymore, a smile from a friend helps lift all that load from your back for even just a while. So if you need someone to feel good with, youll know who to come to.

These gifts wont cost me a single cent now, would they?
So if ever you feel like you need them, dont forget that Ill try my best to give you these priceless presents from me. :)


***
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Just a few hours to go. :)
- n|x - was loved at 7:17 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~



words from my soulmates
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***

"i don't really know much about what's going on with your life right now ['cept for this thing bout you and the person who went all the way to reach me and made sure that i write you a birthday letter.. yihee.;P] since we don't get to talk anymore.:( still, i want you to know that you will always be a special person in my life.;) you were my closest friend back in grade school and that kind of friendship is not something you can just forget diba.

you're the friend people can always approach to share his/her problems with and you're also one great listener ['yan talaga 'yung pagkakakilala ko sayo.;)] kaya wag kang magbabago.;) i know a lot of people love you for who you are now. :)"

You have no idea how much I so damn miss you.
Hope to see and talk to you soon. :)

***

"So I guess you don't really have to be friends with someone for a very long time to be able to consider them one of your closest and bestest friends :) You have been one of the few people whom I can share practically everything with (and we all know how hard it is for me to share stuff). I don't know why, but I like turning to you. Maybe it's because you always seem to know what to say... :) "

I dont really know what Im saying most of the time. I just try to sound believable. And Im glad youre one of the few who trust me enough to believe in me. Haha.
I heart you! :)

***

"In the end, it really IS all your fault, Nikki. . .

And Im so glad you made that mistake."

You know I love you. :)

***

Thank you. I really appreciate it.
"Tulog na..." yun lang. Haha. :)
- n|x - was loved at 12:07 AM
[link to post] [2 smiles for me :)]
~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


Thursday, March 23, 2006


animated in my head
I see the paradise being painted in my head with the people who have somehow bitten off a chunk of whats left of my heart. The trees have gone dull, yet they remain sturdy as they refuse to let go of the ground from which their roots grow. The sky has turned gray, but the sun fights off the darkness with all its mightiness and grandeur. The rolling hills fade into the horizon as I look back to where my journey has led me to.

In my wrists remain the chains bound to the hands of those who have captivated the whole of me. Of the things I will never regret, some flashes of memories stand out above the rest. The mix of the old and the new, the the jungle which played as my sanctuary for time that has passed, and the lapse of moments that I will never be able to take back. Ever.

No one may never see it the way I do, for everyone else has been too busy picturing their own. For every stroke and stride, came a hand that managed to depict the wonders of one's imaginings into reality.

From the edge of my consciousness, the blatant truth comes knocking once again. No goodbye is ever easy, but it should come sweeter as you take it with a heart thats willing to let go and hold on at the same time.

To the players in my field and to the moving pictures of my paradise, I shall stare back to eternity that seemed like a moment too short for you and me.

Here's to letting go and holding on. :)
Were gonna be the makers of the greatest story ever told.

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- n|x - was loved at 11:32 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~



weird much
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Goodbye uniform.
Goodbye High School. :)

I was supposed to type something here (I think), but something was wrong with my Mozilla, so I guess I was meant not to write anymore. Bwaha.

Ive been weird these past few days. I have no idea why.
People have been noticing how quiet Ive become. I can go on for hours without saying a single word or even grinning. I still have no idea why. Haha. Weird.

I have a lot of things to be thankful about actually.
Tuesday (Masquenada) was hella great. It wasnt exactly how I pictured my 18th birthday celebration to be, but Id have to say it exceeded my expectations. Really. :) Simple yet unique. Whee. My friends know how paranoid and scared I was the night before the party. Im just not really used to doing things for myself, what more celebrating, uh, ME. Haha. But thanks to my amazing friends, we managed to pull off a simple party where my batchmates had fun for the last time. Yay! Now I have a birthday celebration worth remembering. Thank you everyone! Hope you had fun, coz I know I did. :) Cant thank you all enough. :)

*Real birthday entry soon to come. Pag birthday ko na talaga. Hehe :)*

Too bad my oh-so-useful digicam's batteries died just before the party. I bought batteries the night before, but it got lost amidst all the softdrinks and other drinks. Haha. I bought lotsa plastic utensils, paper plates, and plastic cups for the party too, but STUPID me just had to leave them in the book bank in Gate 2. Bwahaha. Pics to be uploaded soon :)

*You can obviously see how sabog Ive been/I am. Rarr. Im not even in the mood to write anymore. Rarr. Just came home from Town where I thankfully found Toba, Ferdi, Vince, Nikki V, Danielle and Mikey. Whew. Lifesavers. Haha. :)

Anyway, later! :D

***
check out my multiply
I uploaded pics from my trip to UP last Sunday and the "honor sec" reunion at Marco's last night. haha :)
>>click here<<

***
Seniors!
If you want to download "The Greatest Story Ever Told" (GSET)
>>click here!<<
- n|x - was loved at 7:23 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


Sunday, March 19, 2006


ATTENTION BATCH 06
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*sorry for the not-so-high quality image haha*

Lahat ng Seniors invited! Its a party for all of us kaya punta kayo! Last party na natin before we graduate! See you there! :)
- n|x - was loved at 11:55 PM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~



thoughts in the early morn
so im basically your average girl
my hair never does what its supposed to, and my room can't stay clean for more than a day
and there's this guy, that im absolutley crazy about,
but he doesnt look at me the same way

Cam-whoring with my brother is one of my happy-fiers. And his too. So pardon us. :D
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***
I went to Sta. Rosa, Laguna again earlier (we got there in approximately 20 minutes, not bad eh?) to visit the new-but-not-yet-live-able house in La Residencia. It was frankly like being in Alabang, only with the Southern-probinsya feel. The place is complete with schools (DLS-Canlubang, Ateneo, etc.) hotels (2 big ones a few minutes away), and even malls (one I could walk to easily and theres also gonna be an SM too). Cant wait to finally live there and at the very least move on from having to live at the very end of Metro Manila (Im not kidding) which is inaccessible to most of my Alabanger friends, to living to a farawaaaay-er place where only persistent suitors or gas-rich friends can drive their way to. Sigh. The perks of living not-in-BF/AAV. *sarcasm*

***
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For the past few months, Ive been witnessing my batchmates and I fill up with feelings of nostalgia. The thought of having to actually finally leave the place weve called "school" for the past 12/13 years is eerily exciting. The thought of having to part ways with the people youve spent half of your Zobel life with is just too tear-jerking. Ive also been wanting to come up with an entry that could sum up all these feelings of reminiscence regarding my life in our Alma Mater, but I have yet to create one that could do justice. O:

The past week sure came by fast too. I pretty much went to school on 4 out of the 5 days we were NOT supposed to. I even had to wear my uniform yesterday morning. Whattaloser. Haha. Got to spend time with new and old friends that Im sure gonna miss in the weeks that are to come. At least I didnt rot at home doing nothing the whole week. Thats what Im used to, and I dont think Im missing it. :)

***
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taken last night with my BFFs (cute namin, we were all wearing black, hihi)

Carmi's 18th birthday celebration at Congo Grille last night was fun too. Queen Carmi, the debutante, was hot and pretty as always. *Wink wink* Haha. Buti na lang I got to drag Mariel and Carmi into singing "Bizarre Love Triangle" with Jana and I. Having to sing that song in front of people made me feel weird though. Some people would get why. Eow.

I was hoping I could celebrate my own debut the way Carmi did. Simple yet enjoyable. Spending it with my closest friends and family. Haay. 8 days to go before *gulp* I turn eight-eeeen. (Man, thats an odd number. Even, yet odd. Wtf. Haha). Wonder whats gonna happen. O:

Thanks to Nikko and Boggs, I guess Im gonna be celebrating it differently. Im not really used to doing things for my birthday, coz in fact, I rarely do anything whenever the 27th of March comes strolling by the calendar. Spending it while partying with my batchmates for the last time sure sounds exquisitely fun though. For me, and hopefully for everyone else. Woohoo! :) (*Invitation/promotion to be posted soon*)

*Yawn*

Its already 1:30am. I promised myself Id sleep before twelve tonight, but nooooo, I just had to face the PC for the nth time and type.

You know that feeling you get when you know you just have to do something but youre too tired/jaded/scared/doubtful to do it?

Yeah. Im getting it. O:

...but you still do it anyway
...coz you know you owe it to yourself and to whomever to do so.

Rarr.
Enough blabbing and more sshleepy-shleepy time.
Gnyt! err..Gmorning! :)

***
note: wala lang yang mga quotes na yan. baka kung ano na naman isipin ng mga tao. haha. i found xanga sites with lots icons and quotes, kaya ayan. :) just making it clear, hehe. :D

***
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The nightsky was prettier with the full moon. The picture doesnt do justice. :)

Throughout life you will meet one person who
is unlike any other. This person is the one you
could forever talk to. They understand you in a
way that no one else does or ever could. This
person is your soul mate and best friend.
D o n ' t e v e r l e t h i m g o .
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- n|x - was loved at 1:07 AM
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~I will keep your secrets. Just think of me as the pages of your diary.~


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